Yuk

I feel terrible today.

Thursday night ended up being an impromptu whirlwind through the bars of West Toronto. I even pulled, so I should be happy. But, in reality I just have another new name and number saved to my mobile phone that I'll probably never call. I still cannot get away from using the invisible woman as the gold standard when it comes to judging how well suited to me other women are. It's stupid really, when you consider that the same gold standard isn't even real - how can I compare anyone to someone I've never met? To a standard that doesn't exist except in cyberspace?

It now feels like a curse that I'm sick of. So I've e-mailed the invisible woman to say that I can understand why she's unable to meet, but cannot understand why she's unable to communicate. I doubt I'll get a reply given that I've received nothing from her in a month. No reply, no explanation, no closure other than whatever I can find of my own volition. I naively thought that as she was 35 and I 38, that all the usual dating bullshit - the waiting before calling, the deliberate suppression of true feelings, the playing of games would be things long behind us. I was wrong. I'm now just left with the feeling that internet dating is a jip, that I should trust no-one I don't know intimately, and rely on no-one other than myself.

And now I have to find a way to climb out of the hole I'm in. I'm out of food, behind with the washing, behind with the washing-up, and haven't looked for a job all week. I haven't showered or brushed my teeth in a couple of days. I'm in the same place I was in this January, and it is only when I'm considering giving up on her that I realise I have - to a certain extent - been putting other aspects of my life on hold because of the promises made to me months ago. I've been held back, physically and emotionally.

It's unbelievable to think that I should be enduring such a scenario. If it were possible to draft up a 'relationship' experience that would do me the most harm emotionally and mentally then it wouldn't be too far from this. All I need now is to be riding home one day and catch sight of her with another man - just for that final nail in the coffin. As the piece de la resistance perhaps she could be laughing too. Maybe she and he could both point at me and laugh as I ride by, trying desperately to pretend I hadn't noticed them.

Yuk.

I don't believe in karma but if I did, right now I'd be wondering what the hell it was that I did to somebody or other to bring this upon myself. That's a bad road to go down though - one tends to blame oneself for everything when on the brink of depression, and conclude that everything must be of my own doing, my own fault, my own just desserts. It's something I have to try my best to avoid, because it's a trap-door to a much deeper state of depression.

Well, I have to go achieve something, even if it's only getting dressed. I've already slept the entire morning. When I sign the divorce papers with Nicole in a few weeks then I will be truly, completely alone. And in order to cope with that, I need to be in a much stronger mental state. This isn't it.

Wish me luck.