It starts here

Hi.

This is the core page of the blog. If you're reading this, it probably means I've directed you here in response to you asking how I am.

I didn't actually write this post on 31st March 2007, but that day - as far as I remember - is when, or close to when I was first diagnosed with clinical depression and generalised anxiety disorder.

With GAD in particular, therapists will often ask the extent to which it has affected my ability to perform the functions of a 'normal' life. Know that since diagnosis I have witnessed my young marriage crumble because of the affects of this disorder. I've had to resign one job, attempted to take on the boss in another job for their malpractice...and lost, and been stitched up by a fellow employee in the next role I held after that, and fired on April Fool's Day 2008.

On the hardest days I have either been totally housebound (GAD), or considered suicide (clinical depression).

There are many reasons why I'm blogging, albeit anonymously, about all this:

1. Because writing about what's going on in my head is therapeutic;
2. Because being public about it dissolves one of the key cognitive distortions the disorder causes i.e. to be ashamed of my illness;
3. Because, I hope, it will make it easier for friends and family to understand me, and understand why I do the things I do and say the things I say;
4. Because if I can beat this, then the information (about the fight) recorded here may serve as an inspiration to others who suffer in similar ways. If I can't, then it will serve as a warning;
5. Because if someone who is suffering in silence reads all this, it may spur them to seek the medical attention they need in order to get well;
6. Because I believe there is still a stigma around mental illness, and an even greater lack of understanding of it. I seek to educate and inform;
7. Because the information recorded here may serve the medical community in some way in terms of case study content (my various therapists are CC'd on it automatically).

If you're new to the world of mental illness then you can use the links on the right hand side of the blog to swot up. I will add more in time as my research uncovers useful information.

I encourage you to ask questions via the "leave comment" function. Chances are, you're not the only person thinking the same thing, and it will highlight any areas or explanations I've missed.

Finally, know that the content of this blog is intensely personal, frank, and graphic. The content warning is on the front end of it for a reason. Do not read further if you are easily upset, because you will be riding the roller-coaster of my disorders with me from this point onwards.