This week's line graph is brought to you in technicolour widescreen *smiles*If nothing else, progress in mental health is now undeniable. There's a distinct downward trend in the severity of my symptoms evident over the last six weeks or so. In fact, my weekly scores are significantly below the average so, with time, eventually those two averages will get dragged downwards as well. I know what my shrink would say: "What do you attribute that to?" Well, my ribs have healed enough to have facilitated two off-road rides and a mammoth trip to the grocery store yesterday. That said, it's not so much the introduction of positive things having a beneficial impact on my life as it is the slow but deliberate elimination of those things from my life that bring me down. Such is the personality of a type six - one who seeks to constantly build and reinforce support structures and safety nets in every aspect of one's life.
Of course, because I still haven't heard about the job at the Mac store, all this could prove to be more than a little premature. I'm reticent to apply for other positions when it appears I'm so close to getting this one. This does, admittedly, leave me open to disappointment and more delays if this job doesn't come through. I'm so tired of jobhunting though. Every day, probably 50 per cent of the e-mails I receive that aren't work-related are from a job website - Media Jobs, Workopolis, Monster, Craig's List, the IABC, and others. All of them have to be trawled through, as well as a few others on my Google Reader that I get RSS feeds from, and it's very, very boring. Plus, I know that the whole Canadian job application process, or more specifically the ambiguity of it, is a trigger for my GAD so I won't miss it when it's finally gone. Then there's the fact that it's always on my mind...always. This isn't the nice new job you've applied for whilst you're still doing the old one, when the new job is a "nice to have" but not a necessity. The trouble with applying for jobs when you don't have one already is that it raises the importance of each and every one you go for. You don't want that job, you need it.
It's also counter-productive to my general health because just finding and getting a job is a task that's never complete. There is always another e-mail to read, always another site to review, always a new source that should be checked out. Hence whenever I think about doing anything that might be considered 'fun', the recurring thought I have concerns whether or not I actually deserve to be having fun. Am I up-to-date with e-mail? Have I poked around in every dark employment corner? Can I honestly say that I've tried everything I can? Additionally, every time I go to spend anything more than $20 on something, I have to ask myself, "Can I afford it? Do I really need to buy this right now or can it wait? Can I make it myself?"
This is why I cook all meals at home and cut my own hair. Not at the same time though.
It was interesting to hear a couple of mildly lubricated Queen's University (the 'Oxford' or 'Cambridge' of Canada) graduates complaining about jobhunting in Canada last night. By the way, on the homepage of the uni website it says, "Queen's is one of Canada's leading universities with an international reputation for scholarship, social purpose, spirit and diversity." Diversity huh? I guess that goes alongside the other idealistic principles of being a student, like the proposition that communism can somehow work on Earth even though it's populated by human beings, or that a stolen flashing yellow construction light is an essential addition to any student house.
Anyway, the grads' issue with the country was similar to mine (both of them have worked abroad for several years - London, Paris, and Zurich amongst other places I gather) in that this country seems a lot closer to nepotism than meritocracy. I'd heard a recent statistic that only one in ten jobs in Canada are being advertised. The rest are sourced through networks and people who know other people. And, apparently it's simply because of the excessive demand there is for each and every position at the moment. An advertised job that normally receives a dozen or so applicants is now getting 400+. However, this practice was concluded to be sheer laziness by the two grads, who also spoke of how one's home country is least relevant to an application in, say, the UK whereas it's everything when it comes to Canada. The UK was described as, relatively, being a champion of diversity and actively encouraging recruitment from an international labour pool. Canada meanwhile was described as intensely difficult to come back to after working abroad because many of the skills learned overseas were consistently and mercilessly discounted as being relevant prior job experience.
I suffered a similar fate when moving from Xerox into my first agency role here. I got the old, "Well, you do have lots of experience but little in Canada, so we won't be able to pay you as much." The irony was that only the media landscape was really that different. Clients, practices, methodology and creativity were all pretty much the same. In fact, in general, a great deal of the operational management of that agency had failed to evolve with the times.
My anxiety and self-confidence run in negative symbiosis with each other. However, even I was lead to the train of thought that, were I to open my own PR agency, even I could manage things like finances, operations, IT and HRM better than my boss at the time.
It seems that Canadians are their own worst enemy when it comes to recruitment. Here's a country that regularly talks of how it depends on immigrants, but it seems that they're only needed for the most menial of chores. Serving in Tim Horton's is OK, but earning a $50k+ salary when that job could've gone to a real home-grown Canadian simply won't do, eh? That said, it was fantastic to hear that 'real' Canadians - Queens grads no less - had as much of a bone to pick with Canada as I do.
It makes me wonder what it is about this country and its people that creates this insidious, hidden undercurrent of nepotistic xenophobia. Is it a result of decades of dual-citizenship so-called "Canadians" who actually live elsewhere on the planet for most of their lives, but conveniently return to the Great White North whenever there's signs of a war or coup d'etat in their country of residence? Perhaps it's that many people living in Canada are on their life's "second chance" so to speak, where they attempt to live their life 'the right way' and learn from their prior mistakes. Perhaps this makes them fiercely, if quietly, protective of their country and their status? Maybe it's just poor internal communication - like a nightclub manager spending a fortune on direct marketing to increase membership, only to be scuttled by over-zealous bouncers who stop all those new people from getting in the door. The Devil's Martini (nightclub) springs to mind, and in particular the occasion when a friend and I were trying to get into the VIP room (which we'd booked) for a stag night (that friend's younger brother) but were still refused entry at the door. Meanwhile I witnessed dozens of total strangers approach the bouncers, and offer them their hand for a handshake as a means to deliver a rolled up $20 note or two in order to bribe the bouncer for admittance.
Whatever it is, I don't like it. It's bad for me, bad for Canada, and just downright devolved. If the teachings of Belbin, de Bono, and even George Orwell have said anything at all it's that purposefully mixing people of differing skills and origins is the perfect way to create the ultimate team. Maybe this is why everyone who worked at Xerox seemed to look and dress the same: Dilbert clones all wearing the same ugly 'business casual' clothing, eating the same doughnuts, and drinking the same coffee, or should I say Kool-Ade.
These people should know that single-coloured shirts look best with a tie (otherwise they just look dull), pants are available in colours other than beige or navy blue, and shirts should never, ever be tucked into the waistband of jeans. EVER! Oh, and brown shoes do not go with black pants. I loathe the world of fashion yet even I know these basic principles of not dressing like a total nerd. Oh, and don't get me started on belt clips. Apparently anything bigger than a memory stick and smaller than a compact car comes with a mandatory device to attach it to one's belt. In 'business casual' world, which seems to be a dress code enforced with the sole purpose of keeping the likes of Gap in business, men saunter through the office with their BlackBerries belt-clipped low like a Colt 45 on a gunslinger. Sad but true.
Thank god I applied for a job at a Mac store. Now there's a company a million miles from beige, taupe, cream, or should I say more accurately, vanilla. Funny to think that if Canadian commerce thought more about the myriad of ice cream flavours and less about laissez faire then this country would probably be a happier place, and not just for me either.
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