Wow

I have about four blog entries backed up in my mind. However, I feel the need to put all those on hold just to comment on the Facebook e-mail I sent out about this blog.

The response was staggering. Even almost a week later I'm still reeling from surprise, although that is slowly turning into a strong sense of positive humility. I'm enormously flattered, blown away, and feeling a great deal more connected to people, even those I can't see on a daily basis because they're in a different part of town, or the planet we all call home.

It reminds me of the time I went through a really rough patch last year, and missed two weeks' worth of group therapy in a row. I couldn't even muster the courage to call the facilitating doctors to let them know I was OK. I was in hot water when I eventually returned - people were really angry 'cos they didn't know whether I was just housebound or pushing up daisies somewhere. That came as a shock, because when one is in the depths of depression, the most common thought is, "I may as well just slip away quietly. Nobody would care if I did, or even notice for that matter..."

I'm not going to provide sufficient clues to enable matching names of my friends and family with the things they've said. However, amongst other things...

...I am aware that I am not alone. I've been told of friends and spouses with depression and other disorders, and that even in the time I've known certain people they've been quietly coping with emotional hardship without me even knowing.

...a former colleague and ex-journalist (believe me, that doesn't really narrow it down much) told me that he used to witness me, "Soak up pressure like a sponge..." I'm not sure how accurate that is at this particular moment in time but, again, it puts things into perspective. I feel constitutionally weak right now, feeble even. But, that may just be a relative assessment of my own ability rather than a comparison between me and the average Joe. Again, useful stuff to know.

...a friend described their own consideration of, and attempt at suicide. I was totally gob-smacked, because to look at and know this person would give you no indication whatsoever they had been to this dark place. I tend to listen avidly to people like this in the same way that I do in group. Not to discriminate, but it's very difficult to explain what is going through one's head and how you're feeling when you have depression or anxiety. When you speak to someone you know has it or has had it, like the people in my group therapy posse, then you know there is no need to explain or try to explain. One 'knowing' look says it all.

...a gay friend called me to congratulate me on 'coming out' about my illnesses. I take this as a massive compliment from someone who has, I suspect, had to deal with a greater fear and more widespread stigma than I. Society wasn't always as diverse at it is now, and Toronto is perhaps one of the most lenient and welcoming communities on the planet, with the possible exception of California - San Francisco, say. I don't perceive my own 'coming out' as anywhere near the same league, so this was a stunning compliment.

Please be patient with me folks, it'll take me a while to reply to everyone...