It doesn't look good...

...for our hero.

Just caught up with the 250+ emails I've ignored in my most recent mood 'trough'. Nothing. No jobs to apply for.

Adecco/Alfred Marks tells me they have no jobs at all, let alone jobs relevant to me.

Plus, I can barely afford the interest payment on my credit card this month. So, in addition to the circa $20,000 of debt on my credit card I am, for the first time, going into my chequeing account overdraft in order to cover it. I have zero money coming in at the moment.

I am at a crossroads. My options are to run back to the UK, my tail between my legs, and beg of the charity of my parents. That would save me $850/month in rent. However, I have no idea how to deal with my belongings in Canada other than just going to the airport and leaving it all behind. Additionally, nothing would make me feel more like utter failure than that. A soon-to-be 38 year-old Mummy's boy. A guy who couldn't cope. A weakling. A boy, not a man.

Alternatively, I can take a job flipping burgers or washing dishes - assuming they'll have me - earn little over minimum wage, resent the job for every single minute that I do it, and run the risk of being pushed closer in terms of lacking self esteem to the final level of mental state for someone in my position i.e. contemplation of suicide. Mind you, the current trend is one of rejection so I may turn out to be over or under qualified for such roles.

I probably won't decide right now, having already consumed a litre or so of beer on an empty stomach. It's not the right time to make such a decision.

In the meantime, if nothing else, dear reader, then take the opportunity to learn about mental illness from this. Realise how powerful the control of the mind over the body is. Accept how prevalent mental illness is not only in Canada but on the planet. If you're mentally healthy then take a moment to count your blessings. Then perhaps consider doing something voluntary to help those like me who cannot help themselves. Is there a relative? A friend? Someone you know who you've shunned because they have "problems upstairs"? Did you reject someone's job application because they were brave and strong enough to admit they had mental difficulties in the past? Is it too late to reconsider?

When I see the bearded, sunburned, yellow-fingered homeless guys on the street I often think, "There but for the grace of god go I". The same can be said of any person stricken with mental illness. And the same can be said of you, dear reader. Mental illness is an illness that can strike anyone at anytime. It could be you next.