Thanksgiven

Once again a Canadian holiday has crept up on me.

It's Thanksgiving this weekend, one of my arch-nemesis holidays during the year that helps to encourage the feeling that I'm utterly alone. It's not as bad as Christmas, but - for example - it hits home when even my own street seems deserted first thing on a Saturday morning. Indeed this last quarter of the year is potentially the toughest to deal with.

First there's the weather. Persistent rain has prevented any mountainbike rides in the valley, and it's suddenly cold in the mornings and evenings. I'm well aware that once the weather really turns, it's gonna be months before I can ride properly again. Then there's all the family-oriented holidays - Thanksgiving is followed by Hallowe'en, and Hallowe'en is followed quickly by Christmas which, without family, means nothing.

In moments of downtime I wonder what I'd be like as a Dad, how it would feel to be part of a family, what fun it would be to have kids at this time of year. Being infected with their excitement and sheer glee, and experiencing the joy of getting kids ready for costume parties et al. It's a life I've been close to, but haven't yet achieved.

Thus for the next three months I will have to carefully observe how I'm feeling, and try to make sure I don't end up alone with booze. A joint actually relieves any feelings of loneliness and makes my situation more palatable. Alcohol, however, accentuates any feelings of depression so despite the general 'party' feeling of this time of year I will need to make sure I have company when I need it, and do not mistakenly rely upon anyone or anything that cannot sustain me.

Naturally my thoughts often drift to the invisible woman and her daughter at times like this. I already know I've missed the daughter's eighth birthday, and I suspect the IW's own birthday is in this part of the year. I'll probably end up missing that too though. Such omissions make me feel that the life I yearn for is slowly slipping through my fingers. I want to ask "when" or even "if" regarding the topic of us getting together, but that's proven counter-productive in the past so all I can do is wait and hope. As Nietzsche said, "Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter."