Stimulating my nerd gland

There's nothing better than a quick dabble in Microsoft Excel for a geek like me. It's the same characteristic that makes me love stationery, filing, and organising stuff meticulously, though I've never been tested for obsessive-compulsive disorder. *smiles*

Anyway, a few weeks back I talked about the fact that I need some kind of assessment built into my recovery plan that'll tell me whether or not I'm making progress. I opted for a line graph.

So, where does the data come from? Well, as part of my recovery plan/disorder familiarity research I stumbled across questionnaires used by the medical profession to identify and diagnose the severity of both clinical depression and generalised anxiety disorder. I skipped all the consumer-friendly ones and went straight for the ones with the highest quality and accuracy. Hopefully this'll make the information more valid and the scoring more consistent.

Even with only two questionnaires' worth of data in the graph, the scores of both depression and GAD varied wildly from occasion to occasion. It wasn't terribly meaningful. So, I tracked back through every questionnaire I've even been given by a therapist and added that data in. It was still a bit spotty, especially on the GAD side of things, so I backtracked through every single thought record I've ever...er...recorded. Thought records are the main thrust of cognitive behavioural therapy and, in layman's terms, comprise jotting down every nasty or terrifying though one has, and then attempting to explain it rationally rather than allowing it to paralyse you, or lead to an anxiety attack.

So, the upside is that this allows the data to date back to around the time of my diagnosis rather than only the last two weeks. However, any budding statisticians reading this will no doubt be jumping up and down by now because the most recent data is evenly spaced at weekly intervals, whereas everything else seems to be all over the place. The fact is that one doesn't get anxious thoughts at regular weekly intervals. Equally, sometimes in the past I'd record the extent of my depression, sometimes just my anxiety, and sometimes both. This is as good as it gets.

So, whaddya need to know about this graph?

1. The most important lines are the thick red one (my average severity of anxiety over time) and the thick blue one (my average severity of depression over time). The colours seem apt since depression is often mistaken for a simple case of "the blues", and my anxiety usually makes me terrified or angry, thus red for rage or 'warning'. The other two lines are really just snapshots of my depression and anxiety severity at a particular moment in time. You can see how affective the disorders make me by the huge fluctuations in both scores from week to week. When I refer to reading this blog being akin to you "riding the roller-coaster with me" then this is exactly what I'm talking about.
2. Don't forget that in most graphs, when the lines head upwards it's a good thing. Not in this case. The ideal result is both lines crossing the 'x' axis - which would mean I was cured, at least for the time being. In the case of clinical depression (blue line), the higher it goes, the closer I am to feeling suicidal. With GAD (red line), the higher the line goes, the more likely it is that I will be unable to leave the house unless for food or cigarettes, unable to answer the phone if it rings, unable to answer the door if someone knocks, or experience an anxiety attack for some reason, no matter how innocuous.
3. GAD severity is scored on a scale of 1-21 with 21 being the most severe (see (2) above).
4. Clinical depression severity is scored on a scale of 1-27, with 27 being the most severe (see (2) above). In hardcore medical terminology a score of 0-5 means depression is not reported. A score of 5-9 means minimal symptoms of depression are reported. 10-14 counts as, "Moderate symptoms of depression reported" and, if on a hard copy questionnaire or a web page, usually comes with the warning, "Seek medical attention". 15-19 is classified as, "Moderately severe symptoms of depression reported" and is usually accompanied with something along the lines of, "Seek medical attention urgently". Finally, anything between 20 and 27 is classified as, "Severe symptoms of depression reported". If you're in the doctor's office and get a score like this, chances are that they won't let you leave without stuffing a crisis line phone number into your hand, or hospitalising you.
   

I'm disappointed I didn't record my feelings and emotions a little more studiously in the past because there are some obviously significant dates missing. The specific day I was diagnosed. The day my wife asked for a divorce. The day I got shafted by the HR woman and my boss at DDB PR. The day I got fired from Interbrand. The day I was closest to suicide. I'm not gonna beat myself up about that though, because to do so would be to ignore the very affects of my disorders on such punctuality and diligence - the same reason why I nearly walked out of group therapy forever.

That said, I can tell you this much:

• During the last three weeks of May 2007 I was obsessing about the state of my marriage. Around this time I had an anxiety attack On Queen Street West (not a pleasant experience) that followed an argument with my wife. I was also kept awake at night, deliberating about whether I could reveal the extent of my illness to my wife, and whether I should have her meet my therapist at the time so he could explain my disorders to her, make her understand them, and make her understand how serious they were and the impact she had on them. The most common thoughts recorded around this time were, "I have failed myself and Nicole", "If I lose Nicole then I will lose all my friends too and be totally alone in this country", "I am going to end up divorced", "I can't trust other people", and, "I can't trust my colleagues. Sad but true.
• 7th October 2007 was Thanksgiving weekend, which I spent with my in-laws at a cottage. You'd think I'd be feeling a bit better about this but the fact was that I was totally unable to relax because I was worried about work. At the time, my so-called "colleagues" in advertising were making my life very difficult on my favourite account, EnWise.
• 21st April 2008 was three weeks after my horrible experience at Interbrand, and I suffered an anxiety attack when trying to make chase calls to potential employers in order to secure a job. My financial worries were running pretty high around this time, and I was feeling very misunderstood and pressured by my wife.
• Christmas Eve 2008 was ruined for me because I felt like a total failure - in work, in marriage, and in life in general.

I will be adding a link to the right-hand-side of my blog under the "RESOURCES" section that will permanently guide readers to the graph - something along the lines of "How am I doing now?".