Something is coming...

...but I don't yet know what it is. I'm four beers and half a bottle of wine into the evening, topped off with a few mellow tokes on the trusty V-tower. I really need to start growing my own weed and distilling my own beer. It's just economic.

Work life: has been unchanged...save a proposal I have in for some new business at HIEC. Fingers crossed. It's a fab organisation, one of those with intrinsic feelgood factor.

The mash-up of Josh Winx: "Higher State of Consciousness" and Public Enemy: "Bring the Noise" is playing on a 1996 mixtape of mine in the background. Awesome. I lost seven years whilst married. Seven years without really having hands on vinyl, whether in the bedroom or on the tables. Both are paramount.

Love life: currently being crushed like a newbie surfer 'neath the waves of California's coastline. Out of my depth, madly in love with a woman I can't see. Madly in love with a woman I've never seen. Madly in love with a woman who forbids I mention her name. Owing to the peaks and troughs of the last five months with cyber-her I have gone from a standing start, to having the rest of my life pretty much mapped out, along with the people with whom I'll spend it, to feeling ostricised, lied to, ridiculed, humiliated, and triggered back into anxiety and depression I haven't seen the severity of since I split from Nicole in October last year. As I type, we have fallen out for the sixth or seventh time, and have just ballsed-up our - I guess - 12th or 13th attempt at meeting face-to-face. She is - allegedly - en route back from E&R but, and this is the whole problem with an SMS-only relationship, I can no longer tell when she's telling the truth and when she isn't. I am lost, awash, heartbroken, unable to fulfill my most basic necessary role in a relationship, tempted and teased but never satisfied, tortured with the grisly reality of everything going on in her life without being able to help, react, step in, take control, sit back, support, reassure, love, cuddle, hug, kiss, fondle, wash, massage, listen, coax, stroke...without being able to...anything.

Don't get me wrong though, I love her madly. My instinct tells me I'd be good for her. We're attracted, sexually and intellectually. She needs help. I have the personality type that requires me to help. If I can't help, I can't function. Meanwhile she needs love, lots of love, love every morning and every night. Something I could give, easily, naturally, with spare. And she'd be so good for me. We'd be more than the sum of our parts. But, as Aesop said, one can lead a horse to water...

Now you know my pain. Well, one of them anyway. OK, so you may not know my pain per se, but you know what's on my mind. Fuck off. Who's blog is this anyway huh? *staggers and falls over the table behind him*

Physical life: six-pack outline developing but no actual six pack. Divots in shoulders. Definition under armpits evident. Bike in repairs, fighting nicotine addiction on an hourly basis. Self-medicating like crazy. Diet poor for the last week or so due to procrastination of groceries expedition (je nais pas une voiture) and the nearest (cheap) grocery store is a 25-minute walk away.

Unh...take it or leave it, this is all I can manage. Hopefully tomorrow will be better, as I always say.